Sisters Health challenge

My sister Jamie is starting another health challenge this next Monday and I'm hesitant to join.  Could I do really well, yes but I don't really want to compete.  But the thing is I haven't been doing so well.  I have small victories but I need big victories.  I really don't like looking at myself in the mirror and I want that to change.  I went to go by my Husband a belt and was super jealous of how small his waist is.  That is one of the hardest things about all of this, why is my Husband smaller than me?  I really don't like that.  Mostly I feel like people look at us funny, my Husband is tiny and I'm huge.  I feel like they are like why is he with her.  I can't change the past but I can move forward from this point on doing a little better than I have been.  I love my husband and all that he does for our family.  I'm so thankful for his support on my journey!  He never ever says anything negative and he truly is my hero for that!  He wrote on my bathroom mirror a few days ago.  You are more precious than jewels.  You are a daughter of God.  You can do all things.  It was just what I needed and I'm so blessed to call him mine!

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day.  I love being a Mother, and I love my 3 beautiful daughters.  I know that I am not done having kids but I have no idea what the future holds.  I really want to take the next 6 months to a year to work on myself.  To change so much about the way that I think and the way that I feel about myself.  I really honestly don't have any idea how I will do that but I'm going to try.  So I've decided that I will be making goals for myself.  This week I want to work on logging what I eat.  Do I want to worry about it, well absolutely not but I feel like it is important to get started on my health journey again so I'm doing it.  It's not fun, I don't like it but I know that it will help me so I'm going to do it.  I want to be the kind of Mom my kids are proud of and I want to be able to run and play with them forever.  Yes I do that now but I want to continue to do that even better than I do now. 

Why do people have such a hard time letting others help!

So I've decided something. I love to work hard and help people and serve. But for some reason so many people here in OK just really can't handle that I want to help. Why is it so hard? I need it! I need to feel needed. I need to feel like this ward wants me here and needs me here. I don't know why but if I felt like my life had more purpose or something I think it would help me be more happy. I try so hard to get friends and talk to people but it just seems like I get pushed away so much. Even in High school I got pushed away so much! I've moved so much in the last few years that I've forgotten what it's like to have lasting relationships I guess. Why am I writing this? Because I think how we feel about ourselves can have a direct impact on who we are and how happy we are. Life can be so hard sometimes, but one step at a time I can and will become someone I can be proud of.

Why I'm scared to loose weight

I love being the bigger girl. Ya you heard me right. Yes I want to loose some weight so I can run faster and enjoy sports again like I used to but I also love me. Who I am now is beautiful. I love me and losing weight means I loose that part of me. Somewhere down deep I know that I would feel better if I lost the extra weight I'm carrying. But slowly I hope I can find some peace through this journey cause it won't be easy!

Sunday

Since today is Sunday I'm going to share a little spiritual thought I had along with how I did today.  So I was sitting in a class today and I felt like I should go and talk to Sis Jessen about the Belitz kids cause they are 11, and 13 and they have been staying in there house by themselves on Tuesday and Thursday and there Dad is deployed.  I feel like they really need a better direction in there lives and people in the church to help them along this journey!  They are really sweet people but they really need some extra help.  They need to pray and read the scriptures, they need to not have so much time by themselves.  I know that they are bored.  Needless to say it was a good conversation and I could tell that they Lord really does care about these kids and he is watching out for them. 

Today I ate okay.  I did pretty good until tonight when I ate cake and ice cream.  Seriously these sweets are kicking my trash!  But I am going to win, I'm not going to stop.  I will keep on fighting.

Saturday

Well today is Saturday. I did alright overall until tonight when my husband wanted to get ice cream but instead we ate cookies and ice cream. Was it delious well yes for sure but it was hard to just have a little. That is something I'm working on, it's okay to
Just have a little, the desseret will be there the next time.  It's not going anywhere. I guess when I was doing the 90 day health challenge I could only have sugar once a week and so on that day I ate way more than I should have, but I was still losing so it was fine...at least that is what I thought. The truth is have just a small amount is best. How do you teach someone that?

Asked if I was pregnant

Tonight we had a couple kids coming over for dinner.  One of the boys is 10 I believe and he asked my Husband if I was pregnant.  My Husband said I wasn't but I overhead the conversation and it broke my heart!  The boy said they I used to be skinny so he was just wondering.  That broke my heart as well!  I guess you could say I have let myself go the last few months and that comment just broke me!  I worked so hard to get some weight off which I haven't kept off and now I'm paying for it!  Man does this really hurt!  But tomorrow is a new day and dinner was pretty good, so now is on to tomorrow. 

The start to the new me

My name is Christy.  I have this problem...you see I like food a lot.  Actually I really just am addicted to food.  I love to bake, cook, eat, and enjoy making people happy through food.  Is this a bad thing?  Well honestly I've been told my whole life that it isn't a good thing.  All my life I've been told watch what you eat.  Do you really need that other cookie?  When I feel sad or lonely food is what keeps me company.  Is this embarrassing?  Well for sure it is, it is embarrassing to admit something to others that you just want to hide.  Specially when you know deep down you have a problem that you have been trying to fix your whole life but it's just so hard by yourself.  It's so hard to feel so alone with something that no one else understands!  People say things all the time like well just______you feel in the blank.  For me it's always just don't eat so much, just count calories, run 3 miles like 3 times a week and you won't be fat, you know I've pretty much heard it all.  The thing is it hurts down deep.  I have always been over weight, even when I was a kid.  So why am I starting a blog?  Well I feel like others need support as well.  I will write something in this blog everyday that I can and talk about my success that day or just my total failures.  I love exercise, and that is my strong suit, what is not my strong suit is food.  Thing blog is to help anyone who reads it.  I will post healthy recipes that I like and I will share with all of you my journey. 
One thing you need to know about me.  I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I love my church, it's not a cult and it truly is beautiful and a gift from God.  So now I will tell you this.  A few nights ago I got a Priesthood blessing from my Husband because I know that I can't do this on my own.  I need the help of my Savior.  So with the help from him, my family and friends I know that I can take control of my life and enjoy playing sports like I used to.  This isn't about being skinny to me this is about liking myself.  I want to like myself again.  I loved who I was in High School and I wasn't skinny then.   Well I think that's a start for today.  Tomorrow is a new day and I'm starting now with my journey...please join me!  Life is short and I'm excited to get this journey started.